Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
