I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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