One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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