You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
