I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
