Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
