I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if only i could text you this smell
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
