Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
