My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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