Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
