No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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