gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
