I wish my penis had an off switch
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
