Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
