Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
