This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
