Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
