i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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