we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
