I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
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