24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
