I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
