god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
