You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
