Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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