Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
