when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
