you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
