I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
