I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
