just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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