Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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