whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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