you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
