I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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