if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
