Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
