Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
