You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
