I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
