As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
