How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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