Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
