It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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