i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
50% drunk capacity currently
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
