A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
