the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
