drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize