You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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