you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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