too bad you live with your parents still
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
