hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
