Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You did what with his pubic hair?
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