Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
