If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
