and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
